Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
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