I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
