my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
