I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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