So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
