i already hear my dad disowning me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
