if i can run in heels then i can drive
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
