What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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