I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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