just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You're like the curious george of whores
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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