you traded sex for a burrito?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
