Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
