My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
