I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
