My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
