That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
