I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
