i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
