I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
If its not for food we ain't going out.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
