I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
