last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
