nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
