Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize