I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You took a bar mat shot.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
