I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
