I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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