yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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