Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
