Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
