I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
