I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
