the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
