The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
