its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
