If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
