apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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