I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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