so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
