my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
