my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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