Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize