The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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