I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
