Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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