so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
