WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
