It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
