I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dicks are not precious.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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