Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
