just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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