I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
