i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
