I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
