HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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