can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
