what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
