I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
