I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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