i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
